I have been working on a post for weeks now. I have the rough draft and have printed it off several times, marked through it with red ink. But it still seems so…blah. I don’t think it’s the article, though, it’s me.
So, I had to take a little break from that article and rant a little today. *Ahem*
I love my job. It’s the best one I’ve had yet. But our in season is starting and people are crawling out of their caves and sweaters to come here. A park is for people. I get it. But it’s usually those people who only step out into nature when the conditions are just right that are literally the worst.
They do and say things which remind me of how stupid people really are. People who try to tell you how to do your job when you know the ins and outs of it. Such as what your park policies are. What discounts you give.
Everything in me is screaming, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to work another summer here.
I don’t like people. People are stupid. People are rude. Sure it gives me plenty of opportunity to practice Stoicism but I am not a people person. I would be more than happy to live in seclusion.
This is my daily struggle. Pushing myself to be around people. To be in a relationship. To try and socialize. To live among people and eventually make people of my own.
All of that versus wanting to be completely and totally alone. Living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
It’s tough for me to stay present in order to experience the every day in between. The 8-4. The traffic. The bills. Saving for a house. Planning marriage and kids. Trying to fit my writing in there somewhere. Feeling drained and exhausted almost every day.
Being an introvert with a heavy contempt for other humans is a frustrating life to navigate through. I hold on because I know the day or days will come where the contempt slackens, the frustration eases, I will marginally enjoy other people’s company, and I’ll get excited about a perceived stable future. But I also know the yearning of wanting to isolate myself will never fully go away either.
This is a tight rope walked daily. But taking a breath and taking one day at a time is the only thing which keeps me walking it.